


finally clean

by mightystranger (itiswhatitisbutterfly)



Category: Gossip Girl (TV 2007)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Miscarriage, Post-Canon, Post-Car Crash, technically post canon but dealing with the 5x10 car crash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-28
Updated: 2020-09-28
Packaged: 2021-03-07 19:20:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,924
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26692864
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/itiswhatitisbutterfly/pseuds/mightystranger
Summary: They were going to be okay. He was there. He was here. He looked terrible. It was like watching from the other side of the room. If only she could grab him. She could hold him and wipe the blood from him. It would all be fine.To look toward the future with hope Blair realises she has to relive the past she so desperately tried to run from. She has to put that night into words.
Relationships: Chuck Bass/Blair Waldorf
Comments: 3
Kudos: 34





	finally clean

**Author's Note:**

> Who knew it would take a pandemic to get me to re-watch my favorite series ever all over again (twice) and re-fall in love? I mean I never stopped loving this stupid show and unarguably this Iconic couple, but I have reignited my passion. I hope there are people actually out there who still love them too.
> 
> With that love comes my loathing for most of latter Season 5. It reinforced my biggest issue, there was potential even with the shit storylines. The 'pact with god' thing is horrible but with the right context/analysis it can be made to work. The show just butchers it and it is used as a plot device not arch and uses it to prop up Dan. Which, I am sorry - what a complete joke. But then completely disregarded. Traumatic miscarriage is not forgotten overnight! 
> 
> I started out wanting to re-write it all but didn't, instead I used pure canon but re-looked at it all with real emotion and context to dig deeper.

She hated therapists. At fourteen it took her parents three attempts to find her one that could last a full session. Blair needed the control so would be the one to say she was ready to stop. And she was never the one to force herself to go back. It was her parents first, then Serena and her parents again until she was an adult at eighteen. She never went again, not even after she kept throwing up after she was rejected from Yale. It all worked out in the end then and again and again ever since.

She was wrapped in his arms and surrounded by poker chips. In the shadows of the night with the lights off she hid her shame and sorrow to tell him how her losses drove her mad. It scared him to know she digging this out for the first time. She held the sparkly ring up to the light on its chain and watched the light bounce around the room and in her eyes. It was as pretty as the first time she saw it.

“I think you should talk to someone,” he whispered quietly against her shoulder between a soft kiss. It wasn’t in their agreement. She thought it over. It was too hard. She couldn’t dig the knife in when she had it all figured out now. It was all figured out, she reminded herself time and time again.

She knew he was the only one who would get her there. Her family and friends silently never stopped wanting the same. But they held little power.

She was wrapped in his arms in a lounge chair on Mykonos one week into their month long honeymoon. She admired the way her diamond looked snug against the wedding band that slid so perfectly in next to it. She pulled herself up and admired his face. She never wanted to look back, the now was too infinitely perfect. But it was hard to hope for the future with the past on your shoulder.

“I know you didn’t listen the first time, but we’re married now,” he said with a little smirk.

“Do I have to obey my husband?”

He laughed. They both knew she never would. “No. But it would be nice to give him what he wants.”

There was one condition. She wouldn’t do it alone.

-

“Can you walk me through what you remember?”

The past was dark. The past was left in a wreck in the park. It was boxed up and away. She begged and prayed for it to leave her.

“I can but it is going to be a struggle. I blocked most of it out for months,” Blair said with honesty. She retold the story to Dan in extremely limited detail. She told Serena in a little more detail. She barely told Louis any detail at all other than a sentence or two about it, always too afraid to overshare. She had tried her best to explain it to Chuck in Monte Carlo but it was still only surface level from the coping mechanisms she automatically employed like clockwork. She was here now trying to find the right words.

“That is okay. We can work through it together.”

_She was awake when the car hit the wall. She was awake as she was pulled out of the wreck. It was dark and she the only one awake enough to realise what was happening. There were no words. There were strong hands that pulled her out of the wreck and out of his limp arms. They put her on the stretcher. It was impossible to focus on any one thing. There was the intense pain coming from all over her body, the feeling of wet blood on her forehead that kept trickling, the dampness on her clothes that she didn’t know was blood from her or him and the panic that made her ears ring._

_“Blair. You are going to be okay, I am right here.”_

_She couldn’t move her head in the brace they slipped on but she searched for the owner of the voice. It forced her to look up at the dark night to the treetops that lined the Central Park skyline. She slowly found the strength to move her eyeline and saw him. Nate looked as white as a ghost. She squeezed her eyes shut and didn’t dare open them again._

_She knew she was the only one on a stretcher being put in the ambulance. She felt her chest constricting and each breath from her lungs felt like a marathon, but they kept coming faster. There was the pain all over her body. There was the blood on her face. There was her blood all over her dress. There was his blood all over her dress. Was there blood from the baby all over her hands?_

_The medics kept talking but it was white noise and her eyes stayed shut. She ignored it all. Chuck was going to be alright. She was going to be alright. The baby was going to be alright. This was all going to be fine. They asked her simple questions and she murmured her replies between her repetitive monologue._

_She was in the hospital room being prodded and poked. She was there only a minute before they pulled her in after him. The monologue stopped and the weight was lifted. They were going to be okay. He was there. He was here. He looked terrible. It was like watching from the other side of the room. If only she could grab him. She could hold him and wipe the blood from him. It would all be fine._

_The last time they had been in a hospital together they had held each other. She had held him and pulled him up. He had carried her. He always carried her. He was going to carry them through this. They were going to be alright. They would wake up tomorrow and go to live a happy life right here with the baby._

_She opened her mouth as she tracked his movements. The words of the promise didn’t come out. It was a small weak, “Hi.”_

_Was he there? Could he hear her? Was he coming to save her?_

_For a moment she thought it was lost and he couldn’t. She watched his hand, the bloodied and bruised hand that had held her. She felt it, all his strength moving a little to stretch toward her. He was there. He was carrying them._

_The hand dropped toward the stretcher. The sound of machines filled the room as the people that surrounded her left her and ran toward him. She watched him go limp. His eyes were gone. His hand was gone. They pulled him away and out of her sight._

_She was on the other side of the room. She watched herself thrash and shake. She heard her cries and screams. She heard them tell her to relax. She felt the sedation that they gave her slowly take her away._

_In that moment it was alright._

_The room went. She was holding her baby, and he was holding them._

_It was okay and they were all safe._

__-_ _

“Could you re-tell what it was like waking up?”

_She was not naïve. She woke in a cold sterile bed. The pain was mostly gone but she still felt distant. It was like her mind and body were separated. It could’ve been a bad dream._

_Serena leant over to stroke her hair and whisper to her before her eyes were fully opened._

_The pain, the empty feeling and the tell tale hospital issued pad between her legs were the signs she decided to ignore. Within a minute of waking however the nurse was telling her the bitter truth and there was no hiding from it._

_It hurt like nothing she had felt before. It was different from best friend, family or boyfriend betrayals. It was different from physical pain. She had woken up that morning a mother and it was stolen. Between her sobs they explained with complicated medical terms what had happened softly and that while she was sedated, they had given her the necessary surgery to remove all of the ‘products of the miscarriage’ to avoid hemorrhaging or infections. She just heard the fact that it was all over. The crash stole her baby. The doctors removed all evidence of the crime scene that was plotted across her body while she dreamed of her happy ending._

_She clutched onto Serena but she needed to be properly held. She asked for him. He would be in his own bed waking up and ready to comfort her. She needed him. She was unprepared for the answer._  
_The dual crushing blows were overwhelming. Serena couldn’t lie and tell her it was all going to be alright as she held her. She just reminded her that she was strong and that she was there for her. Her sobs shook them as they clutched each other._

_They warned her beforehand that the sight would be grim. She couldn’t be a coward so she gathered her courage and they wheeled her in. The sight was too much. Her strength and pillar was a shell of a person. There was nothing there. He didn’t squeeze her hand back like she imagined he would. He didn’t gather her into his arms and tell her it would be alright. He couldn’t do anything but lie there hooked up to machines waiting on a miracle. He couldn’t carry her. It was up to her to carry them._

_“Let’s take you back to your room, this is too much,” Serena said as she guided her away from him. She was right. She sat in silence and wallowed in guilt. She was helpless. The girl who always manipulated, schemed, controlled and won couldn’t. She couldn’t trick someone into turning back the clock. She couldn’t pay someone to wake him up._

_There was nothing she could have done for her baby. It was gone before she woke. And now, she sat in a hospital bed and sobbed for the love of her life like a little child._

_-_

“Tell me about the decision to go to the chapel.”

_The hours ticked by while she spiralled and pushed them all away. She couldn’t visit him again and would just linger by the door to check that there was someone there holding his hand or just sitting. It was Lily most of the day. But sometimes it was Nate, or Serena._

_She thought of Heathcliff and Catherine separated by life and death but stuck. He was her Heathcliff, always had been. But he was now her Catherine. “Chuck please, you can’t leave me here alone in this. Wake up. If you go I’ll go,” she cried softly against the window of his room. It was no use._

_There was no decision to go to the chapel. It was just there, and she kept passing it by. The flimsy little booklet given to her by the nurse on dealing with miscarriage mentioned leaning on the support of your partner, family or religion. In the loss she felt lost._

_She sat silently for a long time. She felt shame just in being in the room. She deserved all the pain and suffering that had been thrust upon her. Chuck had told her to marry Louis, he had stayed away, told her to live a good and happy life, and this was how she repaid him. He told her to stay with Louis until she forced his hand and made him take her on again. She was greedy and selfish. He was selfless. He would have never been here without her._

_“Please God. You have my baby. You can’t take Chuck too. If you exist, let him live. I’ll do anything. I promise I’ll keep my vow and marry Louis. And never be with him again.”_

_She could go back into the room after it was over. She watched him for a second and walked away. The crushing and aching pain of knowing he was waking was her comfort. Her guilt was her keeper._  
_Serena found her in her room packing her belongings. “My mother is here,” she offered. “They said I was fine for discharge hours ago.”_

_Her best friend tried her best to calm her but there was no use. She was gone in more ways than one._

______-_ _ _ _ _ _

“It must have been hard after you returned home, what happened?”

_It was the easiest to just escape home. She was able to lock herself away knowing everyone else would be at the hospital. She knew Serena and Nate would stay with him until he was well enough to be discharged. He deserved their company and love. Eleanor, Cyrus and even Dorota fretted on her from the minute she arrived. She coldly brushed them off._

_Louis always thought the best. He was naïve. All it took was a simple call. He was a doting partner once again, or at least that was what he showed. His mother was cool and knowing. He was a fool and she knew it._

_It was sterile. He pecked her on the lips and she felt nothing. The guilt and nausea of being a selfish liar filled her and were her companion. If there was love it was hollow. He held her hand and apologised about their loss. For him this was a small speed bump. She didn’t tell him how he never crossed her mind once in the wreckage, in the ambulance, on the stretcher or even after she woke and was told the news._

_She glossed over the horrible parts for him. He offered to take them away and she jumped at it knowing soon she would be forced to confront her friends. Her home filled with her parents suffocated her with their good intentions and concern. He was not privy to her emotional pain. She cried in the shower only. He was never told of the physical pain of her broken rib or the bleeding she had to cover up with maternity pads that made her hands shake. The bed was cold and she welcomed it. The lack of intimacy and the wall of space between them greeted her every night. They never discussed what she did with the baby books she had bought, or the little outfits she was gifted. Eleanor arranged for them to be boxed up. It felt as if he did not understand or care, that was what she needed. He was wonderful in that way._

_It was wrong for her to mourn this loss. The period of mourning is for those who deserve it. It is undignified to attend the funeral of the one you killed._

________-_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

She didn’t ask Blair any more questions. They sat and thought over what had been said. For the first time Blair allowed herself to look over at her husband. She knew why she hadn’t when she looked at his eyes. “I’m sorry,” she choked out at the sight of his tears. Their hands remained tangled together.

The therapist pointed out the box of Kleenex. “Don’t apologise about sharing honestly,” she stated before either of them could respond to Blair’s comment.

Blair huffed out a breath and willed herself to stop crying. She didn’t lean in for a tissue, but Chuck leaned over to her side of the sofa to swipe his thumb across the tear tracking down her cheek. She squeezed his hand and felt their wedding bands bump each other.

“We’re human, we naturally always try to justify loss with blame. To use a simple example, think of then last time you misplaced a simple item. After those few minutes pass by, you start to get annoyed at your past actions. You didn’t mean to misplace it. We are worse at this with loss of life. The easiest person to blame is ourselves.”

_________-_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

“Charles, can you share what you remember about waking up?”

_It is impossible to recall solid memories from the crash, the aftermath and the hour that followed. There were memories that seemed impossible to reconcile that could have been real events or fantasy. He remembered being in the car before it happened. He remembered her. He remembered intense pain. He woke up._

_They said her name was the first thing he said. He didn’t remember that. He did remember a vision of her walking away. He thought it was a dream until she had confirmed it was fact months later._  
_The first moment of reality was Lily and Nate staring down at him. She brushed a hand through his hair and looked at him like he was some miracle. The scene before him, the bandages, the pain all told him she might have been on to something._

_“You really had us worried there,” Nate said, every word loaded with emotion. “I really thought we were going to lose you.”_

_He offered a weak smile as it was the best he could manage. His eyes searched the room for her. He realised she must have been in a similar way and he heart throbbed. There was no other reason she wouldn’t be here._

_“But we didn’t,” Lily said. “You’re here.”_

_He had to know. His throat ached and was bone dry but he managed to get out, “Blair?”_

_Lily clutched his hand that was hooked up to prevent him moving and soothe him. “She is going to be alright. She is awake. Don’t panic, just stay calm.”_

_She offered nothing more and it scared him. He was prodded by doctors and nurses but watched Serena appear at the door. She walked in just enough to squeeze his hand with sisterly affection but tugged her mother out the door._

_Nate stayed until Lily returned. He read the room and left them alone once the doctors and nurses did too. The physical pain he felt all over dulled the ache that was starting to develop in his heart every second she didn’t appear in the doorway. It overflowed as Lily pulled the guest chair up next to the bed. She took his hand in hers once again. “Charles, she lost the baby.”_

_He felt it. He knew that the baby had never been his. But it had been theirs. He had never allowed himself before to imagine like he had in that car. And it was gone. The dream shattered. There were fragmented bits of it all across Central Park where the car hit the wall. “Where is she?” he asked softly and slowly. He knew it would be complicated. The magnitude of his feelings would not compare to hers and the situation she found herself in._

_“She discharged herself and went home. Serena tried to get her to stay after we knew you were awake, but she left. She was here all day yesterday and today, watching over you.”_  
_It was too much and not enough. Lily squeezed his hand. “We both know loss is difficult. Miscarriage is a unique kind of difficult. I say that as someone who has been there. She is not trying to hurt you, just give her time but be there for her.”_

_He could only give her time. He was confined to the hospital for days as he was forced to regain strength. She never returned and Serena refused to speak. “She is not speaking with anyone.”_

_She did not return calls or messages. She never visited. Serena was the one to break it to him eventually. “She is in Monaco. She is with Louis.”_

_The physical pain couldn’t compete with the mental anguish. He would take three more broken ribs if it meant just knowing she was alright and being able to sleep at night. What had he done? Did she think this was all his doing?_

_They all worried. They didn’t trust him and he barely trusted himself. Nate removed all the liquor from their suite and checked all of his drawers for illegal substances. Lily carefully spoke with the doctors about dosages of medications. They labelled it all so there could not even be a possibility of a mistake. Serena dropped by every moment she could. She never mentioned the elephant in the room, even if she could they all knew they were all being given the same radio silence from Blair._

_It all helped but didn’t fix it. He left message after message. He was well behaved. He took the correct medications, he went to physio, he followed up with the doctors, he didn’t quit therapy, he showered Monkey with more love than ever but he was still dead inside._

_“I need to know you are alright. I just want to understand Blair. I just need you to let me know that it wasn’t something I did. Please just let me that. If I did do – hell, of course I did. I’m sorry you came here that night, I’m sorry you got in that car, I’m sorry I got in with you. I’m sorry that this was all my doing.”_

___________-_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

The final question the therapist had was one that she left Blair with to consider. “Do you feel you have properly grieved?”

As she lay in bed that night in Chuck’s arms and thought it over. She knew the reason she asked it. Blair had denied herself the right to grieve. In the aftermath she blocked herself from anything or anyone who would allow her to. She withdrew from her friends and threw herself into a punishing relationship built on fantasy so she could live in a dream rather than her real life. Once the dream fell apart, she searched for another. It was all and anything other than looking at Chuck and seeing all that was stolen.

But time had now passed. She didn’t cry at the sight of babies anymore. The dull ache in her stomach did not follow her into every room. It had been almost a year. She looked at him and saw love. She saw future and not past.

“I can feel you thinking,” he whispered into the shell of her ear.

Blair pulled herself away to stretch out her hand and switch the bedside lamp on. She turned so they faced each other. She marveled for a moment that she was here. It had happened. They both lost all they ever wanted. But here they were.

“Do you ever wonder what our life could have been like?”

“All the time. I picture a big townhouse with me, you and Monkey. I picture a little girl who looked and talked just like you. She would be spoilt with love.”

Blair smiled at Chuck. She found his hand between the sheets and tugged at it so she could hold him. She could not ignore that they were sleeping here in their big townhouse for only the second night. Monkey was asleep in his bed outside their door. The house overflowed with love and promises.

“I do too,” she whispered. “But I am okay, I used to think it over with sadness. I am more than okay. I am content. I’ve realised nothing can change what happened. I don’t know why happened just as much as I don’t know why or what is going to happen. That is okay.”

He smiled back at her. “I love you,” he whispered as he kissed her softly against her forehead, cheek and then lips.

“I think we will have a boy first,” she said like a promise.


End file.
